don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
You Might Also Like
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
i don’t need to touch grass i need to touch one million dollars cash
I have written yet another poem about laundry
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
If you get bit by a radioactive cicada, you can only fight crime every seventeen years.
“I want to request the next book in this series.”
“Sorry, it looks like that title isn’t coming out until sometime next year.”
“So are you saying you can’t request it?”
“Not yet, no.”
“See, this is why I hate libraries.”
“No, this is why you hate linear time.”
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”