Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
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Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
Wife and I got each others name tattooed on the other after we got married. Split up and I had it covered with another tattoo. Two years later got back together and I’ve not told her yet, she just thinks I sleep in a hoodie because I’m cold. Have to come clean soon.
*pronounces woah like Noah*
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.