Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad

No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.

date: are you looking for love?

me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels

Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.

Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.

Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”

If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends

I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things

*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”

me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster

tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster

<~>Fortune Cookie<~>

We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.

Chickens only make one sound, because they can’t think outside the bawks.

[shopping]

[wife being a real pain]

Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?

As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.

“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”

Oh dear you thought wrong.

every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“

[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new

Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?

[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]

Me: creative differences

911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND

*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*

Now colored!

You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.

You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.

I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.

WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???

I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.

Guys you need to work this out.

*water balloon fight at 10 paces*

Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.

Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh

Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.

There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.