Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
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if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
Kid at the reference desk said “How should I decide what job I want to do when I grow up?”
I said “Find out if it makes you work on Saturdays and if it does, don’t do that.”
“Is that important?”
“Right this second it’s literally the most important thing.”
#saturdaylibrarian
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
I remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. He shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
when revenge coincides with naptime
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
Be the one that gets asked to remove the hockey mask, during a conference call, on Friday the 13th.
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”