Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
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Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
8 pm to 10 pm on a weeknight is the shortest that two hours can possibly be
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
My kids: We’re bored!
Me (thinking about when I sharpened a whole box (50?) of yellow pencils with my grandmother’s bolted to the desk, metal, pencil sharpener): Hm. That’s a you problem.
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
Someone 20yrs younger than me was flirting with me & asked for my phone number. I thanked him & said that’s a bit too Demi and Ashton for me, but it was very sweet of him.
Reader, he was too young to know who I was talking about.