@abbycohenwl

Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading

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@electrolemon

to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors

@princess_snide

Day two of homeschooling.

I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.

@P_Liesenhoff

US customs officer during passport check at airport:
You were born in Beirut? Why the GER passport??
Me: No, it’s Bayreuth, see, the spelling is different!
Him: What’s the difference?
Me: My town is in GER, the other is in the Middle East.
Him: Sir! Are you from the Middle East??

@katelynn_rae01

therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?

me: add to cart

therapist: no

@ThrillHicks

I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.

@jujubangzz_

Elon Musk’s son not gonna have birthdays he’s gonna have updates😭😭

@FrazzleMyGimp

HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.

ME: Show me {moves closer}

HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}

ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.

@GabbbarSingh

All good students of Astrology drop out midway after they learn enough to find out. 🙂