Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
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[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
Smooooooth
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua