Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
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ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
[checking IMDb while watching Planet of The Apes] …oh, the zoo! That’s what I know him from!
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
son: will you come do flips with me on the trampoline?
me: you know I make a sound when I get off the couch, right?
I miss my kids the most when they go to bed and the mosquitoes go after me because they have no other options.
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible