Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Imagine how many people would be archers if we had to hunt tacos like ducks

I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”

It’s awesome when people honk at you for not moving when you’re letting people cross. You’re right bro I should just annihilate this family of four

there should be a tented fingers emoji. for when you’re feeling ruminative

If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not

Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere

hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”

… when can I look forward to that starting?

I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me

Dear Kids,

“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…

it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands

When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”

What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.

You can’t outrun your problems…

Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.

Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe

[mattress commercial]

husband: i like value

wife: but i want comfort

announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299

[weapons store]

ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?

9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip

*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?

~How my send button should function

How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?

Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.

He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.

If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie

😂😂

“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood

Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:

He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.

This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer

One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.

[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2