Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.

Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?

Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.

Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”

(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)

[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.

she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”

Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.

COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?

I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!

instead of being constantly irritated by other people’s flaws i’ve decided to become more self-absorbed

Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?

My new drivers license arrived and when I opened it, I gasped.
How’d they get a picture of my mother?

“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”

“I’m sorry I feel that way.”

Optometrist: better or worse?

Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now

I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.

blessings are like coconuts

sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”

but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend

“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs

4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?

Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.

4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.

AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.

Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.

-Kids

Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old

Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.

Why I hate technology:

Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.

“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”

*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.

My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.

WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.

Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie

I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.

If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.

Date: I love car chase action scenes

Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here

Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations