*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
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Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
At least try to make it slightly believable
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
I think we should hear other voices.
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.