Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like

I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.

IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW

My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup

Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating

Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it

Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets

Therapist: absolutely not

there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial

If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.

Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave

Straight, gay, bi. Doesn’t bother me. But you foot people have some splainin’ to do.

(invention of the crib)

put that baby in jail

If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean

These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House

Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.

I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!

Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?

Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.

If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun

I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.

tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing

Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …

Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.

This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.

Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes

When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.

I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.

rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no

Pro tip:

Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex

Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.

I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”

I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.

Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.

Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.