Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
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Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
TSA agent: is…this a…cattle prod?
Me: it’s for the wankers who crowd the baggage carousel
TSA agent: oh right then. go ahead
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
Whenever I get up my cat gets up too and then yells at me like it’s my fault she decided we have to do this together
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
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