Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo

All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.

I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life

I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.

I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre

“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.

Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!

*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading

Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…

If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…

… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.

I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.

Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.

Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love

What is Iron Man without his suit?

Stark naked.

my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.

my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.

Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.

I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game

I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.

My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!

Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.

I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.

Tomorrow is open Mike night.

“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director

You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.

If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.

Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*

Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.

Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”

You want my advice? Okay, I’ll give you advice. Never, ever, EVER startle a skunk.

(I was sprayed by a skunk last night.)

(And THEN my son was sprayed while helping ME after I was sprayed.)

(It was like a children’s book gone horribly wrong.)

Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!

AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”