(Don’t do it, don’t do it, don’t do it.)

Text: Hey what are you up to?

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Do you have to go to the bathroom?
You sure?
How about now?
[movie begins]


1964:”Remember kids,” a youth basketball coach says, “there’s no “i” in team.”

“Not yet,” whispers 5th grade Steve Jobs, “… not yet.”


Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*

Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?

Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie


It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.


Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?


gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse


Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.


Hotel California reviews

“Such a lovely place”

“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”

“Can’t leave”


The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.


First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.