They say women only use 10% of their anger
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Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
🙅🏻
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.