Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?

My biggest problem?

Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”

Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”

Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”

Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.

“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”

*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*

“Please continue to hold…”

Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.

A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.

[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your leg

Patient: It’s only a sore throat!

Me: I just really want to try out my new saw

When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.

Windows

HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.

My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.

My friends are always encouraging me to persist. “Don’t quit your day job.”

I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.

Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.

Neighbor: This is my nephew.

Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.

[Arranging a date]

Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?

Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG

Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.

“Moooooooo”

– bilingual donkey

I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks

[1994]

Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.

[2019]

Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.

Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes

My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE

ME: [holding door for wife]

WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?

Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?

Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*

I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance

fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”

I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.

I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes

The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.

So this one time, a friend asked me to PLEASE read a book so we could talk about it.

I read it… and I was like, um… I didn’t really like it…

Her: *happily* I know, right? Neither did I!

And I think this is my villain origin story.

A poor analogy is like a bad comparison