don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
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Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
me: i heard you were talking shit about me to your mom.
my niece (who’s 12): yeah. did you want to hear it again, or did you get everything?
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.