don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
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All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
archers in movies and tv shows are too good. I’m watching the Olympics right now and these are the worst archers ever to appear on my television
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
I’m confused about plants
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into first day of school: Everyone has Ebola.
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
was Jim off killing horses or…
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.