Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.

*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*

him, texting from the party: where did you go???

me, already home in bed: bathroom brb

Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”

Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?

3yr old: No, the crow did it

Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold

3yr old: *points out window

Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass

3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.

Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg

“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.

*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.

Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?

*Tortoise says something racist.

Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.

This is the final season of Young Sheldon.

I hope they don’t kill him off.

My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.

Well-played, kid. Well-played.

Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*

The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.

Happy “Venmo Your Siblings for Flowers” Day

My nickname is Phantom Menace, because I also came out in 1999 and am not that popular.

If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.

My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..

If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.

I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake

My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling

If you haven’t heard about shorts yet

I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.

Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.

My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.

The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed

I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.

The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case

5-year-old: Why are we here?

Me: Philosophers still don’t know

5: No, why are we HERE

Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions

Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot