Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
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Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton