Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role

The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.

I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.

Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.

Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*

Me: My eyes are up here.

I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.

nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret

[First day as a Scientist]

Boss: We need some petrified wood

Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*

Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus

curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious

“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”

— kids, pets, spouses

gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.

[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.

Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.

Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!

Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.

Me: Ready to brush your hair?

2-year-old: No!

Me: Why not?

2: I’m a fish!

Me:

2:

Me:

2:

Me: You win this round.

cop: what happened?

librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks

coo: how’d he do that?

librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket

Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes

The world needs a more violent way to give people clothing. ~the inventor or the t-shirt gun

Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.

[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard

Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.

sliding into dms like

Stages of a quick trip to Costco:

1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.

You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.

me trying to get a bartender’s attention

If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.

omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions

Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time