Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
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There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
Interviewer: Can you explain this 5-year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I didn’t have a job. Do you not know how resumes work?
me: *ordering an orange juice*
8yo: does it have pulp?
me: I’m not sure
8yo: *heavy sigh* guess I’ll find out the hard way
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
We’re getting a mini moon for two months, and it’s just called “2024 PT5”. That’s a terrible name. I’m going to call it Gary.
Fellas, be sure to never ask a lady any questions on a date. This makes them feel interrogated. Strong declarative statements only
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*