Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
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me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
My goal weight is getting a magician to saw me in half.
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
Thankfully the Five Guys employee offered me a fixed low interest rate loan so I could buy the cheeseburger with two patties
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
All right then, keep your secrets
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
It’s awesome when people honk at you for not moving when you’re letting people cross. You’re right bro I should just annihilate this family of four
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.