Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess

Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad

Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit

[being murdered]

me: thanks for doing this

God: You’ll be huge and fat

Blue Whale: Dang

God: Awful eyesight

Whale: Ugh

God: No predators- except other whales

Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-

God: Biggest junk on the planet

Whale: I’m in

My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.

there is asparagus
in my hairagus

and I don’t

caragus

My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.

“Have kids,” they said.

Why I hate technology:

Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.

“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”

FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”

Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.

My husband ordered takeout tonight from a place that previously ignored his note about pickles so he tried to make it stand out.

Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.

I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.

Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito

“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]

Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.

My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.

All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?

My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti

When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways

What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.

I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.

Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.

“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”

“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”

“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”

craving $300 all of a sudden

A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.

My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.

I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.