Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
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Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
Revenge is a dish best served by cutting a sandwich horizontally instead of diagonally
Word of the day:
Auspicious – Adjective – Favorable or suggestive of future success.
Not to be confused with awwspicious, an adjective meaning “suspiciously adorable.”
As in, “That corgi with the rusty knife in his mouth is so awwspicious!”
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
Difference between GPT-4o and o1. 😁
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
