Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
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Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
Helping in the kitchen this morning. So far I’ve used 467 paper towels
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
lorebombing is when you make a new friend in your thirties and you have to catch each other up
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
cover letters are so embarrassing. why am i writing a love letter to this email job
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
United Steaks of America
