Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
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After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
I don’t need to wait til fall to tell me my pumpkin is spicy.
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
My bf just had me “stay alive” in his game while he went to the bathroom and I died immediately
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.