Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
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Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
I’m not calling anyone daddy unless I’m asking for money for the mall.
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS