My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
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Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
Always
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
You sure about that?
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage