Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
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[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
My guardian angel deserves a raise
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.