Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Commercial for Legos]

Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?

Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.

Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.

Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.

The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.

I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers

…until I’m driving.

Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.

My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol

I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.

therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see

me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face

therapist: please take this seriously.

me: ok it’s a car

therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/

Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.

Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.

My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”

I don’t really understand the rules for Pommel Horse, so either this is all very impressive or I am witnessing some of the worst attempts to sit down I’ve ever seen.

I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes

She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”

I’d help her, but I want to see if this works

which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.

My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.

The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*

My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…

me: I think my blood’s haunted

doctor: what

me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins

Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”

Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”

If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?

It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.

I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent

You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice

Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars

My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn

[At Justice League headquarters]

Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?

Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]

The Flash: [runs to the ATM]

Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]

Batman: WTF dude

Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:

I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller

She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.

I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.