Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
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I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
Them: “A clever person solves a problem, a wise person avoids it”
Me: *takes a nap
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
I have a huge to do list I just have to figure out who’s gonna do it
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
Uh oh 👀
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.