Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.

9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.

The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.

The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.

at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back

You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water

I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.

me: my daughter wants to be a princess, and my son wants to be a bank robber

coworker: what adorable costumes!

me: costumes?

In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.

The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will

me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]

mortician: sir

My mom called me and told me how much she likes watching Snoop Dogg at the Olympics and I had to remind her that she grounded me for buying his CD once

The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.

Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.

Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers

My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being

me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?

[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.

my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked

Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets

If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?

Me: That’s pretty sus

12yo: Never say that again

Me: Why?

12yo: It sounded weird when you said it

Me:

12yo:

Me: Your rules are sus

is this how new cars are made??

[first date]

Her: Are you wearing a wire?

Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*

I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.

Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?

*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*

H- Are you waving at the ground?

Me-Yes to both

[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t

I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.

23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.

Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?

Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink

Me: I drink it while I watch sports.

💀🤣