“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
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Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
Them: There are no stupid questions
Me: Is Dakota Johnson supposed to be North or South?
Them: There is one stupid question
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
Holy shit he’s back
I only eat vegetarians.
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
constantly working on myself.
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
Growing old is a process of saying “it’s probably nothing,” with increasing frequency and increasingly being wrong.
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
Sounds like a bargain
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.