don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
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How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
Try and stop me.
Moving tip: don’t learn how to read
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
This is the entirety of an email I just got from a lawyer.
10/10 no notes.
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
i have an area in my backyard i call “the big stew” it’s a pit i dug where i dump old batteries, gas, household chemicals, and dr pepper. i stir it once a month
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
I didn’t think I had much in common with squirrels until I saw one risk his life for a crouton.
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.