Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[driving]

ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.

Her: Tell me what you want

Me: A burrito

Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed

Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito

Writing, She Murdered.

I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators

I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time

You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…

….vocabulary.

Hey bro pleas stop using all the good skipping rocks at the river

coming home late…

Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?

Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.

Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”

thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.

officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*

My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster

When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.

Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?

Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho

Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?

Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.

Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!

I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??

(therapist voice)

Please, lie down on the shrouch.

Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mind

Her: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarm

Her: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad

[my dog at the window]

Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake

13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad

When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days

My problem areas are my upper arms & earth

I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”

Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.

Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT

I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach

– my dog begging

Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”

Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.

*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*