Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?

I see stand-up comedy as a stepping stone to television. A few more paid gigs and I’ll be able to afford a television.

The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.

I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire

you aren’t “dehydrated”, you have attachment issues and you were denied water as a child

‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’

– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.

College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.

“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,

Pee on it and walk away.”

“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”

“$3.23.”

“Oh, and a bottle of water.”

“$87.54. Please drive thru.”

My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.

“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”

[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes

her: i’m leaving you
 
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
 
him: who ar- wait what

Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school

I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.

Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.

don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay

*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*

Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?

Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.

ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]

[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*

Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes

Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.

Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”

I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!

customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese

me: sorry, we only take cash

manager: can I talk to you

My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well

Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.

Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.

Me: What did you do at school today?

4yo: Nothing

M: You must have done something.

4: I don’t remember.

[Bedtime]

M: Goodnight.

4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*

villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.

me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]

[rain starts immediately]

[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]