Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
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*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.