Don’t even bother contacting me on the Ouija Board after I die. I barely answer my texts now.
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Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
capitalism is charging someone $200 after they die
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
When you “pspspsp” too hard
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
and now we wait
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
I’m starring in a new movie, in theaters now!
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.