Don’t even bother contacting me on the Ouija Board after I die. I barely answer my texts now.
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I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
They have creatures Noah didn’t bring into his ark. It’s a no
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
My husband just walked in the bedroom and said “love of my life look alike contest… you already won” lmfao
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
“What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”
Well I sure as shit felt better at 21 so imma call bullshit
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.