Don’t even bother contacting me on the Ouija Board after I die. I barely answer my texts now.
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went to the frame shop. as I waited in dread to hear what it would cost, I closed my eyes and thought of a ridiculously high number and fixated on it so the real number, whatever it was, would come as a relief. but the real number was A HUNDRED DOLLARS HIGHER
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
Can we please stop with the travel hack of booking seats on the aisle and window in the hope of having a spare seat in between? As a solo traveller who has now been stuck in between these travel hackers it sucks. Talking over me, passing snacks over me etc. Just sit together.
Did you know that cows kill more people than sharks?
I’m surprised that cows kill any sharks at all.
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
When you find yourself walking on sunshine and realize you can’t trust Google Maps
If you bring your fancy peanut butter to the Home Depot paint department they have to stir it for you
I feel like one of these would kill a European
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
It’s the ORDER of mankind’s accomplishments that fascinate me. In 1969, we put men on the moon. In 1970, we put wheels on luggage.
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
