Don’t even bother contacting me on the Ouija Board after I die. I barely answer my texts now.
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Saw a praying mantis fighting my cat like some kinda warrior. I swear he was even swinging a stick, I don’t know maybe it was his arm.
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.