Don’t even bother contacting me on the Ouija Board after I die. I barely answer my texts now.
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The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
10/10 no notes
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
If you drink a lot of water, you won’t have time for other people’s drama because you’ll be too busy looking for a bathroom.
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication