Don’t even get into my car if you’re just gonna scream every time I hit someone.
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Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
Food delivery driver here, time is money so no need to stand behind your front door for a few minutes pretending that you’ve not just been staring out your window looking for us for the last 20 minutes and yes we saw your curtains twitching
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.