Don’t even get into my car if you’re just gonna scream every time I hit someone.
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If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
🤣😂
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
I needed a laugh this morning.
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.