[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
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And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
next level snooze
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
Love is always patient and kind.
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.