Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee and watched at least 45 minutes of archived Ted Bundy trial footage.
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“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
“DADDY!?!” (toddler calling out)
Me: “Daddy’s upstairs but can I help you with something?”
“Yes. You can go get Daddy.”
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”