Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader

[Airport Departures]

We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents

Me: Even if I pay extra?

Great news everyone! the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery

Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.

Dog: Sure, go with that.

EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you

EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast

EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off

MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too

me: I need a new shirt

stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?

I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience

iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep

*next morning*

iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off

HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?

[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”

Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.

We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.

My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way

Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?

Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead

A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.

[giving wedding toast for my cousin]

…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—

My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.

I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.

doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?

me: i’m doing my best

doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?

me: best doesn’t mean good

i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them

I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.

In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.

High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.

This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*

me refusing to leave twitter

Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend

Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread

I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?

Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings

The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.

“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women