Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
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I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
(watching Simone Biles do 100 flips) I could do that.. for the right paycheck
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.