Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
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I don’t trust people with less than five french fries under their driver’s seat.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
Roses are red.
Birds sometimes vanish.
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
dutch so unserious
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.