Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.

I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days

escape room employee: would you like a hint?

me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen

My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.

I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.

[before sex]

me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high

A great tip. #CakeRex

The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer

Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water

Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?

o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.

i’m not “wearing a costume” that would be childish and silly. i’m wearing a disguise

“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”

– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.

How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?

I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.

I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.

*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*

HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?

ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes

I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.

my favorite kind of post right now is the reply that goes “i do not believe that a politician, of all people, would say one thing publicly and another thing privately”

My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite

The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.

For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.

One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.

Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.

I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.

Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything

“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”

Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.

Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread

My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.

Topic: Excited about mustard!

MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?

InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄

Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”