Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
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I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
You can’t get a good night’s sleep anymore because of woke
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
Happy Febuary everyone!
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
Flex on your kids by asking “are we there yet?” before they do
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop