Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house

Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes

Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan

Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat

Exec: not convinced

Writer: they’re mutants?

Exec: it needs to appeal to kids

Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists

In 1987, an American weapons manufacturing employee joked to his boss that he had sold secrets to the Daleks. The boss reported the employee and the matter reached the FBI, where the investigation stopped after someone explained who the Daleks were.

Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem

[Waiting at the dentist]

*leans over to stranger*

I’ll clean your teeth for half price.

I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.

*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*

Repeat

Romantic Emotional Stability Level:

I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.

This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee

Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.

You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.

Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?

Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday

Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.

Cashier: *repeatedly scanning item without price coming up

Me: *sweating
(internally) don’t say it, don’t say it…

MUST BE FREE!

The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.

Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?

Bill collector: Um.

I giveth and I taketh away because I recycleth.

worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost

“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.

Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two

What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car

Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅

Me: What do you think of your haircut?

Wife: I need more volume

Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?

[getting my license]

Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes

Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*

(gets pulled over)

wife: be nice.

cop: do you have any drugs?

me: yeah man help yourself.

Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.

Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…

aaaaand I’m drunk.

Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”