Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.

It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.

I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.

I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.

Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.

“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.

No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.

Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do it

Requesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it

stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen

My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week

Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?

if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me

Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up

My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.

*eats a carrot*

*checks off new year’s resolution*

need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it

Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo

Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.

God: go forth and multiply

Me: [bad at math] what

I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.

Proctology is located in A55

ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]

WAITER: please stop touching me

I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam

The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away

*flashes smile*

*smile calls police*

“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.

I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.

My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday

There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”

One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”

Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER