Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor: You have 6 months to live

Me: omg what can I do?

Doctor: Oh lots of things

Me: Phew

Doctor: but only for 6 months

*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*

Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?

I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘effusive’

“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”

That is correct. What was your name?

“It’s Siv”

I know lmao [hi5s other judge]

[leaning over bathroom sink]

Me: *clips fingernail*

Fingernail: *lands in Italy*

“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.

Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.

Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids

Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?

5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.

Me:

Muppet Screams

Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.

Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues

Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE

My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.

I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.

I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.

Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.

*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is

One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.

Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.

[tightening roller skates]

“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”

It’s pretty apt that the i is in the middle of ‘hurricane’.

Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.

Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.

Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.

#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX

This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.

“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”

I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.

Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.

God: at least you have a cool name.

Swordfish: so?

God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.

Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?

Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?

Waiter: would you like a water?

Me: ew, gross.

Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?

Me: tempting.

Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?

Me: [nods] indeed.

Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too

*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*

Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW

My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.