Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
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Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
Unknown people: you aren’t weird you are just being yourself
My gang: bro I know 5 weird people and you are 4 of them
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
They got Luigi out here like Hannibal Lecter, and the general public is still like, “WOULD”.
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
Expected my family to chew me out this morning bc I ate all our cans of Who Hash last night but luckily we were also robbed by the Grinch last night so I blamed him for taking the Who Hash and my stupid Who family totally bought it LET’S GOOOO 🗣️🗣️🗣️
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
Glen Powell is short for Gleneth Powelltrow
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.