Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
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When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
Well, that should do it
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
can’t bark with your mouth full
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.