Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
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I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
i wish all
whales
a very
big
The USS B port
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
satan: not today, microsoft teams
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*