Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
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My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
one time in med school a doctor I was working with said he would only learn my name if I got all of his anatomy questions correct (???)
so I said I would only learn his name if he got all of my pokemon questions correct
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
I respect the moon’s unwillingness to be photographed on a phone
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
customer: your darkest roast please
barista: god created amnesia bc of you
The best part about your kids being sick is you get to see exactly how shitty you’re going to feel in 48 hours
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
Be the reason they start searching bags for googly eyes at the entrance to your local zoo
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google