Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
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Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
Who called it baking and not making love
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
It’s scary what’s happening. People who, only 5 years ago, were 25 or 27 at most, are now 30 and in some cases even 33 years old
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
Right now somebody’s therapist is hearing about YOU
Drive it like you stole it, by driving cautiously and observing all applicable traffic laws to avoid further incidents so as to not attract unwanted scrutiny.