Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
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My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
Favourite diary entry ever
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
Waking up extra early gives you more time and helps you focus. On all that extra time you could have been asleep.
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
jesus christ confetti not now
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…