Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?

So I was passing the bus stop today when I heard a young fella brag to this girl that he doesn’t do afraid. Just as I past them I quickly turned around to him and said Boo. It turns out he does do afraid. 😂😂😂😂

me: I can’t decide what to have

waiter: what about the duck?

duck: I’ll have lasagna

After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.

Text: How come you stopped drinking?

Me: Because I kept waking up with you.

Her: I hate you.

[inventing chalk]

We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.

Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.

I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.

Hear me out: his and hers houses.

[Bending down with my hands on my knees]

“Where is your mother?”

~ me to anyone under the age of 30

me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)

Doing math together is known as fourplay.

My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!

Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America

As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.

How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.

[commercial for mops]

*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*

“There has to be a better way”

Narrator:MOPS

I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player

If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.

me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up

Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked

Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.

me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again

friend: so go back for seconds?

me: no probably longer than that

A lot to unpack here…

But…girl rabbits don’t either.

Also…does Christ lay eggs?

At Twitter HQ

J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?

Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing

*releases update

I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.

I’m really shy in RL.

But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.

*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger

KID: Where’s grandma?

DAD: She’s in a better place now

KID: Canada?

Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step

Lao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT