Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
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Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
😂😂
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
airing out the snack pack
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.