Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
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I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
that’s really how it is
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.