Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.

#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?

[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*

I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.

Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!

I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*

Surgeon: You should be asleep.

Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”

Me: *dies alone

butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?

I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.

*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar

I’ve faced more peer pressure to watch certain TV shows than to do drugs.

WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically

^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats

doctor: what’s wrong?

me: nobody can tell the time anymore

doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock

I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat

Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!

Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder

Teacher: You know what, please don’t!

ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?

I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this

Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805

“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill

Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.

Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.

It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.

More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.

Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.

Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?

Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.

Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*

*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.

Netflix and Will…

…you stop trying to touch me?

Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!

*wildlife shows up*

Home buyer: Not like that.