Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later

9:33 a.m. technically this is later

“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”

are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men

the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve

I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“

…As if I plan on eating it.

You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.

my facial care routine has some really good, expensive products that my dog licks off right after

You never say “I love you” back

Tater tots:

My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.

Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.

I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.

what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am

HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”

you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely

My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured

Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family

Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.

YOGA CLASS

INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog

*loud thud

GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.

No, Autocorrect ….

the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –

though she can be devilish at times.

i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone

My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something

[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –

Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!

Me: – die.

I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭

[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]

If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.

“What is that the trees outside in the wind?”

– Me in bed, wondering what the sound of my dry crusty feet on my sheets is

I thought you guys said carnival diet, not carnivore diet. I’ve been living off of corn dogs and elephant ears for the last 3 months and I feel like absolute shit.

Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL

My Saturday was goin great til I realized it’s actually Sunday