Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this

Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog

Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —

Satan: I have a girlfriend.

Him: Will you marry me?

Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?

Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.

Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.

I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.

“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”

Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.

NETFLIX: Skip intro?

ME: Yes.

NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.

ME: Should…should I not skip it?

NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.

ME: Okay, skip intro.

NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.

imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now

me at 20: i’ll do anything.

me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.

Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.

My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.

Our shared calendar.

At least he already knows not to expect much.

*fills out form*

*clicks “send me a copy”*

email: *dings*

me: ooh what’s that

If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily

OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.

OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew

robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*

[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]

him: SLANTY *clink*

me: I think you mean sláinte

him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey

I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.

Ate.

Why do people brag about how little sleep they get?

“Yeah I only get like 3 or 4 hours a night”

Cool man, I guess I’ll just… continue having a better life than yours

Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…

Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.

It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.

WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?

ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon

Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.

Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.

[First Date]

Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?

Him: No. He’s very handsome too

Me: CHECK PLEASE

*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*

Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.

[loud bar]

Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.