Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
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Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
I love writing tweets but what I really want to do is direct and produce them
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.