Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person

If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns

My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging

I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.

Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.

“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”

“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”

*David hangs up*

I’d love this…lol

My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.

the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget

Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….

My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper

FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT

me: salt rim please.
barista: what.

Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale

7yo: Ewwww. Why are you playing that music? The 90s are gross.

Also 7yo: Check out this new cool song I found from Nsync. It’s my favorite, and you are gonna love it, bro.

Walmart customers are classless.

You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.

Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.

You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.

Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene

THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”

ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”

me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?

shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good

You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”

Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.

I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.

Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks

Him: you just offended all of Canada

Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*

Pirate Lois Lane: OMG

FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed

ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary

I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.

I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.

I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”

If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know