Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
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Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
We are the people our parents warned us about.
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”