Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
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Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
If snakes were wide
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
phew
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
Friday the 13th doesn’t even feel creepy cause bad things happen everyday now. 🫶🏽🫶🏽
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
Ancient curse, may you sit on a cushioned chair on the deck without checking first to see if it has dried from last night’s rain.
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
I carry a pebble with me to throw at people who start Christmas stuff in October.
I call it my jingle bell rock.
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?