Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
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I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
Software Development ⛵️
Called my mom to check on her and we wound up arguing over whether Shrek is Jewish
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
I’ve watched so many docuseries about cults lately, I think I would be good at it, you know, as a member. Honestly, cults look like a blast at the beginning and middle just before all the crimes start.
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
When I take a minute to focus on my own life.
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
Why is this me 😫
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
my first day as a raccoon
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Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
ME (calling my horse with no name):
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?