Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
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My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
thanksgiving should be called feaster
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
You should always wear a helmet if you ride a motorcycle, bicycle or ski or talk about politics.
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.