Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
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her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.