Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
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If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
idk what he going thru but i feel him
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
logging onto twitter…
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
Wife: You need a shower
Me: The pressure’s too low
Wife: OK, have a shower or I’m taking the kids
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’