Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
You Might Also Like
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
My dad teaching me to drive
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
How funny!
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
Well…my morning coffee finally kicked in at about 8:37 p.m.
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible